Nectarine News

8th of April

SHE HATH RISEN

Seemed an appropriate opener following the Easter weekend. This is my inbox resurrection and I am glad to be back. Everyday at 11.11am I make a wish and because I am a well balanced and kind person, I try and stick to a 5:2 ratio of selfless/selfish wishes, meaning five days of the week I ask for good fortune upon a friend or family member, and the other two days I demand that I win the lottery. As a self proclaimed religious person in her own unique way, on Easter Sunday I donated my wish back to God and said,
“I hope you have a nice time with your son today, seeing as he’s returned and all.”
I wonder if God finds a cover for that day - someone to temporarily do the Lord’s work.

Speaking of cover shifts, I have been applying for jobs left right and centre. I went for an audition at a salad bar the other week. By audition, I mean a 4 hour unpaid trial where no one talked to me or helped me learn what vegetable goes in which overpriced ‘Grains Box’.
Post shift they said I wasn’t right for the role, which might’ve been down to the fact my acrylic nails had burst through the provided latex gloves and caused a health and safety concern.
I did get a free salad but, do you know what would’ve been nicer?
Money.

Person of the Week: Mabel

Song of the Week: I’m Just A Kid by Simple Plan

Food of the Week: Sage and onion stuffing

I had another trial shift last week for the position of ‘Head Baker’ at one of those corporate package experiences in a tent set up like The Great British Bakeoff, where a group of colleagues from an office come and bake a cake together as their monthly team bonding. I actually loved hosting it! I got to stand on a plinth with a Britney mic on my head and say,
“Hehlooo Bakers! That’s your 10 minute mark till those lovely cakes need to be in the oven.”
and as per the script, I would end the fast paced, competitive session with,
“Now, my first question is... Are we all still friends?”
I love a bit of commercial humour.
I didn’t get the job, but maybe that’s because they watched my TikTok saying I had never baked anything without adult supervision.

At least I still have my trusty pub quizzes to rely on. Well, actually I did something a bit mental last Thursday at my quiz I host at the karaoke bar in Islington. It was booked out by one big company so all quiz teams were from different departments from the same building. I quickly became very friendly with them all, and by half way through the quiz I was having a cigarette with customer service, Marketing were buying all my drinks and I made a joke to Rick from finance that he’d be sorting out the expenses tomorrow.

Later on, Shaznia from HR warned me about the recent allegations that had been made about Rick, so I steered clear after that. I told Shaz, my new confidante that I fancied Elliot from Sales (bearing in mind I met all these people an hour prior). She said he’s known to flirt with all the women in the canteen but he apparently did say I was hot upon arrival to the bar that evening. After the quiz was wrapped up, they all invited me to the Highbury and Islington Wetherspoons.
If I ever decline that invitation, check on me.
After several more free drinks, paid for by the company that I have never ever worked for, Elliot and I shared the Spoons vegan curry and made out on the stairs to the loo.
I went home that night and felt anxious. Had I abused my power of Quiz Master? Are you allowed to fraternise with the quizeees? Aka, snog one in Wetherspoons.
Elliot never texted me back but I did find an email I had sent to the hiring manager at 11.30pm asking for a job at this company.
LOL.

I went for a massage the other day at a parlour that I found on the App, Treatwell. I rarely look at reviews or descriptions or do any research into anything ever so I turned up to this basement in Farringdon with no clue what was in store for me. Turns out the owner, Michael was half masseuse half music producer. He showed me his decks and producing equipment that was awkwardly placed around a massage bed. Totally normal, I thought as he plays me his most recent recording. He then proceeds to give me one of the worst massages of my life whilst telling me he has worked with “the greatests”,
“Jay Z, Usher, Mariah, one of those boys from JLS, Pixie Lott”
As he induced cramp into my calf, I asked why he chose to leave the LA life behind him and focus on the health and wellness sector. He explained that although his music career was absolutely soaring, he just really enjoys working with his hands.
When I gathered my things to leave and limped to the exit, he asked me to leave a review.
I thought, Ange you really don’t want me to, but I will say this to you guys, if you’re in the Farringdon area and in need of a music producer / masseuse, and you like having your ear chewed off, basements and backache, pay him a visit.

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A broken clock strikes correct twice a day.
I have no idea if that makes any sense or is in any way applicable to this, but please don’t unsubscribe.
Love you all, speak next week.

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