Nectarine News

Friday 1st of May

Hello Nectarine News, Iris speaking, how may I help?

I wish you could hear me say that in my squeakiest customer service voice that I have been exercising the last few days. This week I have been working as a gym receptionist.
Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be a gym receptionist.
Making friends there has been a slow burner so far. On my first day, one of the personal trainers, who I can only compare to in height and build as Hagrid, greeted me by saying "Hello teenage dirtbag" in a very deep voice and then we never spoke again. I did however get invited out for someone's leaving do at All Bar One. I asked one of the PTs if any of them actually drunk alcohol or if they all had pints of protein instead. That got a little giggle in the staff room and then I headed back to my desk and basked in my successful joke for an hour or so.
I have really been pushing the boundaries of the dress code recently, so much so that my line manager made a slideshow presentation of suggested outfits and emailed it to me whilst she was sat next to me. Think high waisted wide leg suit trousers with a modest loose jumper or anything from Zara. I'm more clevage and Uggs.
Yesterday I wore a full leopard print outfit, which I think is highly appropriate given the name of the gym is Roar.

Person of the Week: Ali

Song of the Week: Brothers In Arms by Dire Straits

Food of the Week: Scrambled eggs

I’m really in my Dire Straits era. My TikTok algorithm is a nice mix of Juicy Couture and videos of Mark Knopfler’s incredible electric guitar solos. I think I want my next boyfriend to play the electric guitar. He could do little home gigs for me and I’d cry. He’d learn the Tracy Beaker theme tune and serenade me. Alas, the dating scene and I are not doing too well at the moment. I went on a date with a 24 year old oil trader last week. The three year age gap could techinically make me a cougar but he genuinely looked like he was from the Victorian era, those sorts of faces you see in the Nash Porch Gal (National Portrait Gallery, for those of you who don’t speak my language) or on Wikipedia. I thought maybe he was a time traveller or has been alive forever, meaning he’s actually two thousand years old. Perv. Anyway, we had a big lol on the date and I may see him again but he hasn’t quite mastered the art of being a gentleman yet, despite his many years on this earth. He asked me out again this week and then cancelled last minute to play Padel. Yesterday all he text me was a link to his Go Fund Me page, asking me to donate towards his lads holiday this summer. Lol.

I did meet a nice Australian lad in the pub last Thursday. He looked like Josh Bryant from The Princess Diaries. He was very charming and said he would like to take me to a show. I thought maybe he meant a magic show which is so cool but actually he’s really into musical theatre and suggested The Book of Mormon. If he’s paying, then genuinely why the hell not. We could go to Prezzo before and have the set menu like the perfect normal middle aged couple.

Today I am working at Sicily Fest, a food and drink event in Islington celebrating the island of Sicily, which I have never been to. My best friend Pier got me the gig and I have been assigned the role of sommelier. I genuinely couldn’t know less about wine if I tried. I know I like Echo Falls and sometimes the Sainsbury’s boxed wine that you lie flat in your fridge and has a plastic tap.
I will simply have to learn on the job and sample it all ;)
Pier said I was apparently on the list of people to be axed from the job as they were over subscribed, but according to the bosses, I was saved because of my enthusiastic “WOOHOO” in the group chat after they announced the rota.
They said, “She must really want this”

Money is very tight at the moment, despite my 17 different jobs. I tried to make a pretty penny at the carboot last week but my Doctor Who comic and stained Cath Kidston wallet didn’t fly off the shelves. I also got really protective over all the clothes I was selling and decided to keep most of them after seeing someone take an interest in them. I made £65, I spent £71.
It wasn’t all a waste of time though, I got to meet some of my fans! It was like a meet and greet! I had lots of people say they love my TikToks and one girl said my videos are a breath of fresh air. Love that. Breath of fresh air slightly infused with Britney Spears perfume.

I have been taking some big steps in my career recently. I did a photoshoot and interview with I-D magazine and modelled in a campaign for an eyewear brand. I also was an actor in a martial arts short film which is just too insanely random. Last Saturday, I was so hungover, on Hampstead Heath doing kung foo with some Hollywood actor.
I like to keep things interesting.
Anyway, have a lovely May bank holiday. Nice to see you to see you nice, and lastly a receptionist’s favourite line:

Kind regards,
Iris

God save the Nectarine!